Closer to God

Remember that frustrating teaching Jesus shared about loving our enemies?
Today there was a revealing, an epiphany as I cleaned my kitchen.
*side note*
Something is soothing to me about my empty sink and cleared, germ-free countertops with the gentle (not exactly quiet) whooshing of my dishwasher. The stress that piles up is tucked away and dealt with.
*back to topic*

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Why, why would he ask us to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us?
We all have at least one person in our lives that battles us. Frustrates us. (you're thinking to yourself, "just one?")

Today I realized that God is never closer to us than when we are in trouble. When we are battling something that overwhelms us and seems as though it will never get better, we finally ask for help. Truly, with this outlook, I've realized that the "enemy" is actually a gift from God to drive us from our own strengths into the need for his ever-present help.

My middle daughter is God's biggest blessing to me. Through her, He is drawing me to Himself in a mighty way. There is more spiritually happening in me through our conflicts than in any other method or manner in my almost thirty-two years of life. He has placed her in my life with her specific gifts and strengths to bless me with a depth of relationship that the saints of old could only dream about.

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Whether or not I choose to accept his gift...ahh, there is the issue.
Paul stated in 2 Corinthians 4:8-10 (Amplified Bible),
"⁸ We are hedged in (pressed) on every side [troubled and oppressed in every way], but not cramped or crushed; we suffer embarrassments and are perplexed and unable to find a way out, but not driven to despair;

⁹ We are pursued (persecuted and hard driven), but not deserted [to stand alone]; we are struck down to the ground, but never struck out and destroyed;

¹⁰ Always carrying about in the body the liability and exposure to the same putting to death that the Lord Jesus suffered, so that the [^[a]resurrection] life of Jesus also may be shown forth by and in our bodies."

God has a special purpose for me in this world. In order to get me to the point where I'm usable, He has people in my life that I cannot escape. (for you it may be a fellow employee, a boss, a sibling or parent, or even your spouse) Those conflicts arise repeatedly. 

(Really? Again?! When will this ever end???!!!)

 

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A dear friend of mine recently shared with me how I could best pray on their behalf. "Pray for contentment." This friend has been at a job that has challenged and challenged and challenged. But truly, only God could have softened their heart in a way to yield and ask "not my will, but thine be done."
I am blessed with all my heart to see this transformation and am excited to see what these prayers avail! Will it mean a new job? The end of employment of the negative stressors? Salvation of those not-so-easy co-workers? Or? Will it mean simply that this job will no longer bring these negative thoughts about? Will this friend be content regardless of circumstances? This is a quality we all could pray for.

God wants to change us, not those around us. Though, we selfishly just want everyone else to change, ignoring our own shortcomings.
My daughter will now have a new description in my heart.
Lord, thank you for my middle daughter. You gave her to me to draw her closer to you. Of all the people in my life, she is the one that has brought about the most growth. She will be the one I am drawn to most as she ages and matures!

Rather than focusing on my trials, I'll quote James 1:2-4 (NIV).

^"2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

I hope that today you will reconsider your present circumstances and see those blessings around you. You will not only find it easier to deal with those people, but you will see God's hand in the midst of it.

~Tammy

Say What You Mean

It has been a frustrating couple of weeks in my house. It seems to be a pattern that I'm recognizing, now. Two years ago when we welcomed our youngest into our home, her older sisters regressed with the almost-4 year old biting her sister when frustrated or angry. Our current 4 year old is throwing 2 year old fits again. Every summer, mid-July, I think I'll just mark it on the calendar.

Our biggest regression that my husband and I detest is pottytraining regression.
*sigh* Somehow we have a fear in our minds that our children will NEVER outgrow this unpleasant behavior. The fear is unfounded, but presents itself again each time we have a mess to deal with. One child prefers the first type of mess, the other one, well, the other kind, naturally.

In all honesty, we go so long between the accidents (months at a time) that we've developed that position of "we're finally there!" "never again!" "yes! we did it!".

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Our daughters are young. We forget that. One is not-quite 6, but will be soon. One just turned 4 and one just turned 2. We expect a lot of them, but it's because they're so capable.

When they are incessantly bickering and hurting each other, it's hot outside, and in general we're sleeping less because the sun's up later, we tend to parent in a louder tone of voice than is preferable for all of us.

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This morning I made a pact with my 4 year old. No more yelling in our house. My vocal chords can't take it (I'm singing our National Anthem for a couple events this weekend) and it's hurting all our ears. Mostly though? It's just not working. She is my yeller. In fact, that's what is so silly. We are in some way so much alike that we are constantly butting heads. We're more physical than anyone else in our house. We get frustrated with each other and don't always communicate well. My other two are very verbal and we can usually talk it out.

It led me to think about what we say to others when we are upset. I am intentional about my words with my children, but in the past, I know I have said things that I didn't really mean.
It is much easier to lie to somebody than to state what is actually upsetting you.
If we were to look at what was really upsetting us, this is how it would sound out loud.

"I'm frustrated that you keep making the same mistake!"
"I wish I didn't get so upset by something silly like spilled milk!"
"I wish you would stop fighting with your sister because it makes me think I'm not a good parent!"
"I wish you would keep your clothes clean so we wouldn't have unsanitary messes in your clothes and on the floor!"
"I'm worried that kids won't like you if you keep doing this!"

"I'm yelling at you and your sister to stop because I'm tired and I really don't feel like coming all the way into your room to deal with it!"
"I'm lazy and selfish!" (ouch, right? But, so true.)

In the book of Psalms, there is a short prayer that has become my first sentence in the morning. I've had a couple weeks of not remembering to say it and that is why I'm typing all this today. We're going to remember and make a conscious effort. Is it work? Yes. Is it worthwhile? Yes. In the end will I be less mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically exhausted? I actually think that yes, I will, because I won't be depending on my mere mortal capability to handle the stresses life is throwing at me. I will be asking for help.

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"Hide Your face from my sins and blot out all my guilt and iniquities.

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right, persevering, and steadfast spirit within me.

Cast me not away from Your presence and take not Your Holy Spirit from me."
Psalm 51:9-11

The "short" prayer is verse ten, the second line, but I wanted to give you the verses in context. Truly, we need that clean slate each day, don't we? And so do our kids. :)

~Tammy

Many are the plans...

This story began in the fall of 2006. I was a two-ly-wed, madly in love with my husband and thrilled to be working for a non-profit pregnancy center. Through the CBAE (Community Based Abstinence Education) grants Congress had awarded, I was presenting a common-sense program called Stop and Think to junior high and high school health classes in every school in our county.

I thought I had it all figured out. That Christmas, I planned to surprise my husband with my grand scheme. We would save my income for a romantic third anniversary trip to Hawaii that September, at which time it would be the green light to start "trying" to have a family. That would effectively give me one more year at my job, and a spring/summer baby in 2008.

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Proverbs 19:21 states: "Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails."

The beginning of December 2006, I discovered with some surprise that God had opened my womb 10 months before I had wanted Him to.  Initially I wasn't excited. All my plans unraveled in front of me. And? My Christmas present of new snowboarding pants that my husband had already purchased taunted me. Yes, my doctor informed me, I could go snowboarding, but I would take the risk of the placenta detaching from the uterine wall. *sigh* Okay, no snowboarding. Grr, and I'd just become confident at my skills.

We'll fast forward to the present, 6 1/2 years and 3 beautiful daughters later, even more in love with my husband than 9 years ago when we married. I have been semi-content as a stay-at-home mom, though I look longingly back at the days of health presentations when my work and the result of my work was quickly visible. (see my post on mowing the lawn)

For the past two years, we've been privileged to enroll our children at a great private school in town. It would be another blog to tell you all the blessings and growth that God has worked through the teachers and staff, but suffice it to say that He has truly placed them there and used everyone that has come into their lives.

I have toyed with the idea, dreamt perhaps is a better word, of teaching at my daughters' school one day. My own mother was able to teach first grade at my private school and it was nice to have her at school if we had a crisis, or just to eat lunch with her.

I pursued a degree in Music Education K-12 with Vocal Emphasis for 3 1/2 years. When I realized my dream of teaching only jr high/high school choir was not a reality and I was sufficiently intimidated at the added responsibility of teaching concert and jazz band, I changed my major to Commercial Music Business. 

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 After graduation, I married my husband and began teaching private piano and voice lessons that Christmas. Since I did not have a teaching degree, I did not think I would be able to teach without more time spent in college. The cost of a Master's degree is prohibitive with five of us on one income, and I didn't want to pay somebody to raise my children when I thought I would rather do it myself...barely breaking even after a long day at someone else's workplace.

God began to move this Christmas. I saw the Preschool and Kindergarten Christmas program, and thought that our teacher needed an assistant. (especially after the misbehavior of my pre-schooler!) After the spring concert, I mentioned that I'd "like to help her next year" with preschool and kindergarten if she needed it.

She mentioned my name to the school when the part-time Elementary Music Teacher position became available. The school asked if I were interested. Thinking 20 hours a week, I told them that it would be too much time away from my 2 year old and that I didn't think I was qualified without a degree in Education.

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I then received messages from two other persons mentioning the position, informing me that it would only be about 8 hours a week and that I had come to mind. I began praying about it that Saturday, and Monday I left a message with the school telling them that I would consider it if the job were truly 8 hours a week. The school called back excitedly, telling me it had been a large item of prayer in their staff meeting that very morning.

The missing piece was the care of my youngest daughter. Too much media exposure has led to some overprotective feelings regarding her safety. And the cost-would it even be covered by my wage?

Again, I prayed and asked others for prayer, and a dear friend who lives on the way to the school came forward offering to watch my daughter.

Today I took home my official contract to read over and sign. The very first line reads as follows:

Believing that God has led in this decision, the School Administration of Hosanna Christian Academy has appointed Tammy Belau as Elementary Music Teacher for the 2013-2014 school year.

Wow. So humbling. This has all happened in basically a week, but God put me at home with my girls before I was ready and He's leading me to work in a school that aligns with my faith again before I was ready or trying to go. 

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"He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake." Psalm 23:2-3

I will be the teacher for my two other daughters. They are excited. The music teacher is ecstatic (or so I've been told by more than one person). My husband thinks it's a great decision, my parents and sisters are excited for me.

I am on the edge of something new, out of my control, but more and more as I trust God's hand and His leading, I have learned that it is more exciting than it is scary. Because it's not chaos. There is an order, an absolute order, and there is definitely somebody steering all of it. It's just not me.

~Tammy